My dear friend I don’t know, what I…

My dear friend I don’t know, what I am doing wrong or what I’m doing right. After all that I have went through there’s no way possible that I’ve made it all this way for God to leave me this way. This January 2027 will make a completion of seven years in the desert wilderness and the fire, fire, the flood, the shaking the darkness, the torment, the pain, the hopelessness days that never seemed to have an end wave after wave. The two steps forward through the mud and the sand carrying what it seemed to be like a heavy soaked comforter or blanket with lead boots and heavy bones. Not to mention the endless warfare. Walking up a steep mountain on a razors edge with fire on the right and a steep cliff on the left , only to be pushed back 10 steps when I thought I was gaining altitude and momentum. Advice and encouragement, and wise council is great when it comes. But when you keep hearing this only is making you stronger, you are being prepared, you’re still here, rise up and push back. When you’re pushback is all gone. And you feel alone, not only in a crowd, but in your family of 30 years. And your alone in a separate wing in your house, being viciously attacked verbally assaulted pushed around. And nobody knows what you’re going through. Yes, I understand. God will never leave or forsake me. But it doesn’t make the situation when you are going through something any easier. And yes if I had to carry all of this alone, I would be compressed into a green of sand in two seconds. But when the confusion comes, and you don’t have a word to speak when you shut the door behind you, nobody even knows an ounce of what you’re going through . And trust me, I have tried years to explain the good things and the not so good things and people look at me like I have four heads. So I learned really quick to just shut my mouth and soldier on, or cry profusely. And then everyone looks at you and says when is this over, you’ve changed. I say hallelujah, but I miss laughter, smiling, or conversation. And breathing sometimes. It’s a little small things that are miracles and you miss the most. Connection. A lot of times it feels like I am an infant that I can’t speak of what is happening to me, while my abusers are burning me with cigarettes and bruising me in places that no one sees. I know what this sounds like. And yes, I have brought it up to my health professionals. But I 100% know this is a spiritual matter that definitely is impossible for man, but possible with God. And I have gotten advice from a lot of sources. When I tell them a little bit of my trials. I have received all kinds of advice that quite frankly, if I’m honest, seems offensive like in seven years do you think I haven’t done this. I think to myself. When they say, I just wanna be gentle with this situation, you need to be honest and tell everything to your health professional. This would take me years if I was to embellish every detail. And the most famous give it to God! OMG, if I had a dollar for every time, etc., etc., But the worst thing of all is the three children and wife. Most years do not say happy Father’s Day merry Christmas happy Thanksgiving happy birthday. I’ve had to sit with things that would’ve crushed 100 strong backs people. Emotionally physically mentally and spiritually. You reach points where you’re just burnt out and you cannot Even think of a prayer. And you give up several times a day. And there were definitely times I prayed like Elijah under the broom tree. I have lost count of the hold on for dear life moments. And even when I managed to get to sleep the horrific nightmares that feels so real that you’re worn out by the time you wake up and you try to just tell yourself or convince yourself to just put one foot on the floor. Saying to yourself let’s just get a cup of coffee and breathe with God in the silence. And yes, I believe God sees me get up, and sometimes I was helped up by his gentle hand when I couldn’t physically go anymore. And I believe I had times and moments when my tears fell like rain, and I felt him dry my eyes and white boy, the tears. There are times I believe he has wept with me. And I heard him choked up, holding a tear back saying my child I love you be kind to yourself. I won’t let you know. I am holding you. You are safe. I know it’s just been hard on you. We will get through this hand, hand heart to heart. Forget your age forget your name forget everything and just be small and I will just be your dad. And you my precious child.😔 you’re gonna make it. We will make it together🥹♥️ And then the beginning when I lost my mind, I heard the name, Moses in a gentle, but a thundering sound as I looked up at the skies in one of my vivid dreams. And the second night I went to sleep, and I heard the name Noah the same way I was looking up at the clouds and heard the gentle yet thundering Voice. A few days later I went and purchased a Bible. It was the king James. And I was having a hard time, even remembering where I lived, but yet the words flew off the pages days went by weeks, went by months went by as I was awaken and wrote in full detail and understanding of a pretty complicated version of the Bible, but yet it was like poetry as I would read, I was getting revelation, and I started to fill up notebooks. Everyone else was acting like I was obsessed. But I was trying to point to the miracle and I just wondered why nobody could see how I could not even write as much as my name And yet I went through the Bible three times and three months beginning to end gaining more revelation and wisdom. And then everything went very dark and confusing and yet every crushing blow or wave that has pursued me relentlessly 24 hours a day 365 and every time I think I’m catching a break And getting ahead, I get knocked down. I could not explain even if I wanted to the new answers and the pain and confusion that I am going through. And truthfully, I have brought this to Wise council and they said gently and kindly you need to go see a mental health professional, and your medical professional, and to tell them what you told us and be truthful. But truthfully, I know those consequences and I was relieved divinely off of 20+ medications not to just go back to all of them again and be some kind of lab specimen. And people just hear these growls And little voices coming out of my voice and the twitches which are very painful all through my face neck, chest down my arms into my fingers down in my toes legs into my bones and even into my mind, jaw tongue, lungs, and I have breathe and fire and I have been frozen. I have been stabbed. I’ve had to put my jaw back in place so many times I lost count. I’ve had brain pain so bad. The pressure alone was ridiculous and I get chest pain so bad that I was sure I would die so many times. I have smelled the most foul smells you could imagine. I took straight eucalyptus oil and put it inside of my nostrils and on my eyes and face, you would think that would burn but it was relief a little. I have been drained, feeble week, unable to leave my bed for days sometimes weeks. Sometimes I can only take a few steps because I’m in so much pain. And yet somebody comes to the door or I have to run an errand and I notice myself walking fine. But I have been stretched in my thresholds are through the roof when I tell somebody that somethings hurting, which is very rare I would even tell anybody. Then something must be really bad if I had to say something. I just keep looking forward and hoping that my breakthrough would come quickly and I don’t wanna miss it. But this negativity and heaviness and intrusive. Everything hits me And I start spiraling and so much is going on. You would think I would be frantic at the events happening inside me and around me, but my heart is at peace. Bless you so much daily Jesus devotional and all of my brothers and sisters in Christ in the name of Jesus. My thoughts are moving very slow my words sometimes don’t even come out and sometimes I’m not even breathing and yet I am still here glory to God amen.God is proud of the small things a simple gesture, a kind word to someone. Sometimes it’s bigger than the mountain moments. Because a small pebble striking the middle of a lake causes ripples to touch every shoreline. So let it be in your way of sending out a small prayer or opening a door for someone or donating a dollar when you’re at the shopping center when you yourself for watching every nickel dime and dollar carefully. When you lend a hand to someone. Sometimes just starting a new day and choosing to take one foot off the bed and put it on the floor. Or when somebody has hurt you or done something to you instead of you reareacting and giving that person a piece of your mind and instead you either refrain from doing it or offer a kind word or a silent prayer. Or when you have every reason to give up and it takes you everything to just get started God calls that very precious and special.🖊️🕊️🕊️🕊️
You have heard the old adage or saying “ one man’s trash is another man’s treasure!”Amen” This world, which tried to make me as trash. God will make me as fine treasure , priceless Jewelry to reflect his image and his love and glory, amen😔♥️🕊️🕊️🕊️🖊️
Me, my wife, nadine my three children or young adults Joshua , Noah , and Kaley Noel🖊️